


him

by kaxxien



Category: friendship - Fandom
Genre: Broken Friendship, Broken Promises, F/M, Sad, boy bestfriend, poem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29120379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaxxien/pseuds/kaxxien
Summary: He is the voice that haunts me. You need to get rid of it, before she arrives.this is in the pov of myself. female or male, maybe you feel the same way.





	1. i’m being replaced

i can still hear him, his voice calling for my name. he sounds like he needs me. he wants me near. i ignore the voice. it’s going to bring back her voice too. the one you chose. you replaced me. her voice rings in my head like an avalanche. it’s giving me hypothermia. it hurts. 

she touched you, might as well hugged you. i flinched. it wounded my heart. every muscle and nerve getting torn, internally making me bleed. i see how she makes you laugh. how you used to laugh like that with me. that’s why ignore his voice in my head. it will break me.

her voice gives you butterflies. i can tell. you really like her. i can tell. i wish i could be like her, but i can’t. i’m keeping my distance, to avoid showing you how i feel. because, i still yearn for you. you stopped our daily talks. you changed for her. you stay away from me. you are trying to impress her. and it’s working.

i’ll change too. you broke our friendship. and that’s okay. you kept me from being confident. i depended to much on you. you’ll be free from me and my outbursts. but, i’ll be free from hurting because of you. you will crawl back to me, i can bet that. i’ll yearn for you deeply, but i’d have to decline. 

you are my voice. and i’ll have to make you fade away. you will leave my head, or you’ll make me fantasize on how I could have avoided all this. i fault myself, but I learn from my mistakes. you were toxic, and you kept me away.

i never noticed how toxic you were. i was blinded by your charms and compliments. you showered me with gifts and smiles. we may even had a chance in some bits. but, this happened. you kept hurting me in the smallest ways. i’m sensitive. you knew that. you took that to your advantage.

you use my feelings to get something out of me. you used them to show off to her. to show how much power you held into hurting others. she was impressed. i saw. she wanted to comfort me, to tell me to leave you, and i am. i’m letting her win. 

you asked me to practice at your house, and take me home. i agreed. now. i don’t even want to see you. you will cause your voice in my head to grow stronger. i can’t even glance at you. she smiles at you. you can’t even look at me the same. that glistening sparkle in your eyes when I made you laugh. they do with her.

her voice is stronger. she keeps telling me to let go. i am. she keeps telling me she wants you. and i know you want her too. she keeps telling me that, she is happy. and i have to stand aside.

im by the sidelines. and you are the main player. she’s your cheerleader. and i’m the band player. she’s popular. and i’m just someone that doesn’t matter. you run to her and take her in your arms. i leave the stadium. i break apart in the parking lot. i go home, and i run to my mothers arms. she comforts me. 

he’s my voice. and i’m the one who keeps listening for you.


	2. she’s upset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the POV of the boy.

i can tell she’s upset. she’s always upset at me for something. i try not to hurt her, because it hurts me. her voice rings in my head. she misses me. i miss her. she changed. i want the old her back. the one who cared for me rather than being like this. shes like a blade, sharp enough to cut with just a little movement, and i’m trying not to move.

i talked to the one younger than her. she’s pretty smart and funny. she makes me laugh like how you used to. i keep thinking it’s you but it’s not. i glance at you but you can even look at me. it hurts. she talks to me a lot now. making me smile till my cheek bones hurt from it. i’m developing feelings for her .

i only saw you as a friend. i don’t want to deal with your emotions. they are hard to handle. your outbursts also hurt me. you apologize for them, but i don’t want to deal with you. i try reaching for you everyday. to see if the old you is still there and it is. carved deeply in you. i can tell. you don’t let her out. you don’t let me help. you felt creepy with the gestures that our coach told us to do. i’m fine with it, but you don’t want to. 

you tell me you are trying, but i can tell you aren’t. something is holding you back. please, reach out to me. you keep pushing me away, and i start to accept it and walk away from our friendship. do you still even care? 

i ignore you. you are crying. i start to not care anymore. she makes me laugh. she makes me smile. she’s pretty. she is really kind. maybe replacing you will be the best. let me go. i already did. 

i know the old caring you is still there. you care to much. you are too sensitive. she is strong and willing. although she also cries, she’s easier to handle. i deleted all our pictures together. it will only make matters worse. 

you changed ever since you started watching those minecraft youtubers. they changed you. you have a very colorful vocabulary now. you have their merch. i know you still have my hoodie that i gave you. i still have the hoodie you gave me for christmas. you aren’t the same. 

i think it’s better for us to stop where we are. i found someone new. you are so much more confident now. i’m jealous. come back to me. please. i don’t want to reach for you to seem weak. i know you will though. you always will.


	3. speech

i’m awake. energized for today. i thought my confrontation would heal me a bit. i thought i did atm. but, now, i wanna go home and crawl into my comfort zone. my room. she’s doing it on purpose. she keeps looking at me for reassurance i’m not talking to you. she acts nice. but i don’t think she ever likes me talking to you. she’s superior than me. i get that. i know i am inferior. 

i’m breaking apart. cutting my every feeling for you. i hate you. i hate you. i don’t want to see you. i don’t want you to exist. become a ghost. don’t be real to me. why can’t i just die. you hurt me everyday. why? do you find it entertaining seeing me hurt? i can’t tell you don’t care. i’m starting not to care. you will only cause my anxiety to become worse. become the thing that will be my undoing. i don’t want that. 

get out of my sight. i wanna take my anger out on you during our speech. i cant. it would be to excessive. i’d cry. i don’t want to anymore. i only want to cry for the sad things. not you. 

not anymore.

you make me feel awful. i see you. and i can’t even see my best friend that i used to care. i still do, but, the only feeling i feel is rage towards you. 

you laugh with them. you used to do that with me. now. it doesn’t really matter. i told you, gave you a second chance and i gave myself too. i thought we would fix this. but all this did was to make me quit even more. i shouldn’t have agreed. i hate you. i hate you.

i rather do another speech than with you. i should have picked something else. ugh. i hate myself for actually agreeing with you. 

i’m alone here. i’m alone inside my head. i’m fighting for myself. i’m fighting this illness that is covering my entire head. my mindset. my feelings. they all say they are my friends. you said you were. now. i absolutely want to move from where i am located.

you make me rethink my entire life choices. who even are you anymore? you expect me to become normal? you expect me to like everyone? to be like you? to be like them? i’m not like that.

we had a chat at your house. you said you weren’t going to distance yourself and i wouldn’t either. i’m doing my part. but you keep getting away from my grasp. you will be the reason that i won’t be around. you will be the reason why i won’t care for you. 

you have everyone around you. i care for you deeply. now i won’t. go find someone that will care for you, cuz i won’t anymore. it will cause me to care too much.


	4. thursday

look at you. looking better than you ever have. you made my heart skip a beat. a rush came to my face. blush. i haven’t felt this way for you in such a long time. i’m broken. but you complete me. i listen to the tune that helps me contain myself from telling you, how i actually feel for you. i can’t cut the last string we still have tied around our fingers. it’s closely ripping, but i keep myself from saying anything that will make the string become undone. you greeted me, and i greeted you. i smiled. but. you didn’t. you didn’t acknowledge the smile i gave you. you probably thought i didn’t care. but i do. during the hour, all that was on my mind was you. it made my face shift from a bright smile to a frown, worried filled my thoughts. those thoughts, that sting your every nerve, making you overthink who you are. i love you. i write to keep myself from expressing them to you. my friends know. and they try to help me. everyday, i’m getting worse. i’m wounding my skin with every thought that cuts it. my sleeves are getting soaked in my feelings. my eyes are spilling my thoughts. i curl into my sheets, knowing you don’t feel the same. i wear your hoodie to comfort me, but instead of the comfort, it gives me bruises. it burns me. i want to take it off me but your smell still lingers through the seems. the thoughts of you feeling the same way start to come back. they all faded from my grasp. they hit harder than anything. i’m on the floor, wanting you to help me. your gaze turns whenever i’m around. your smile disappears with the mention of my name. i won’t run back to you. but i want to. i’ll miss your aura, your presence, your comfort. your arms wrapped around my waist when we danced. my head against your chest. we had a spark there. you felt it too. but that was in the past. you were eager to talk to me, i could feel your eyes never leave me, because you wanted me around. your showering compliments by how breathtaking i looked. you dislike it when i talk to others, that aren’t you. i could tell you always needed my reassurance that, you were the only one in my eyes. that, nobody was compared to you. 

it’s thursday. i’m a few days away, from breaking myself entirely. a few hours, until i lose it all. one click. from going insane. 

friday. should be interesting.


	5. i’m becoming like her

He’s giggling at my jokes. it’s making me catch on and laugh with him too. he’s literally an awesome person. i look at him and i see someone who enjoys my company. i see her, and she seems okay. i’m developing something. does she hate me? prolly, but i still have him. i did. i’m feeling something i’m not used to. it’s a meet. i see how you also laugh with the other sophomore. what are you doing? he’s like a rollercoaster. he’s swoops whoever he wants with his charms, loops around any problem, and drops anything he wants. i’m becoming like her. the one you used to be inseparable with. 

she calls me over. i sit next to her and ask if i’m okay. i don’t want to tell her but i do. it’s about the other sophomore and she understood me. she also feels the same way about her. she told me she wanted to warn be about him. she was right. i’m feeling exactly the same way i’m currently standing. is this what you do for fun? tear others for your entertainment? you broke us both. we are now closer than ever. 

she wrote these poems about her pov and yours. i listened. i couldn’t hold my tears back. her writing is like sweet honey. every word placed correctly. her words placing emotion. i hurt her. she’s hurt by me. i don’t want to hurt my good friend. every vowel tuning in my ear. every letter, cutting my heart. she writes beautifully. making me emotional. 

we talk. we vent. i took precautions. she tells me she doesn’t wanna see me end up being hurt like she is by you. she wanted to warn me. but i didn’t listen. you are treating me like her. is this what you want? seeing people hurt? you can’t even show that you care. you only laugh when you want to. 

i’m trying my best, but all i can remember is her words in those poems she wrote. it just makes upset. she’s really hurting, and all i can do is be by her side. she wants to be happy again. i want her happy too. i told her i liked him. i could tell she winced. i thought i was winning you. but all it did was give you another reason to distance with me. 

i’m currently texting her. i’m sending him streaks but, i feel awful. she said we will be by each other. i trust her. she’s strong. i can tell but she doesn’t show it. she’s good at hiding, but awful too. her strength gives me strength too. we can do this without you. 

he’s just an obstacle. another ride at the amusement park. we both ignore that ride, and go to a better one. away from our feelings getting hurt from him.

we alone are weak, but together we are strong. we have a few meets left. and it’s over, till next year. 

i’m weakened. i’m really hurt. but. she’s got me. she always does. she always picks people up before she picks herself up. she’s something special. you lost that person. she cared so much for you, and you let her leave. you let me go too. you lost an outgoing person. i don’t need you. 

he’s a rollercoaster. and i ignore it. i meet up with her and go to the bumper cars.


	6. perfection

i watch how the rays hit your skin. you say you have flaws, but all i see is someone that has the perfect details place correctly. the sunshine makes you glow, something that doesn’t happen to others in my eyes. your eyes of the coral reef water become lightened with your white smile. i fall deeply for you. your perfect facial structure makes me feel different. it makes me feel so many things. my body can’t handle how flawless you are to me. your breaths become illegal to listen to. i don’t think i’m supposed to breathe the same oxygen as you. The breeze hits your curly, blonde hair. it used to be straight, but you never liked it. i never really minded. those curly locks made me fall more into the depths of my emotions. my heart palpates faster near you. i blush when i’m near you. i get nervous whenever you speak to me. i’m afraid i’ll say something to make you stop smiling with me. your neck gets caressed with the clouds surrounding you. you look good in everything. your cheeks the color of the red roses in the spring, blooming. i can’t stop thinking about the perfection mother nature placed on earth. you don’t see it, but i do. and i can’t handle it. i keep asking how i have someone like you in my life. you could basically win any girls heart. you won mine. i’m not your definition of pretty or whatever you call a girl when you like her. but i’ll be here, for you. friend, platonic, romantic, i’m still here for you. i’m not like them, so, i’ll get comfortable. and wait for you. 

you are the definitions of perfection, i don’t know about you, but i can’t get my eyes off you. 

but.

i’ll have to let go of that perfection. and walk away. or else, it will blind me completely


	7. broken

i sip my drink. trying hard to smile. it’s getting difficult with every sip. you are standing there. i’m sitting next to her. do i really want to act like i’m okay? i seriously want to get over this season. i wake up excited for a new meet. thinking i will be okay. but i end up hating myself even more. i want to cut myself. cut those strings that hold me together. i want to bleed. bleed out until i can’t breathe. tear myself into pieces that are difficult to repair. pieces that even you can’t even fix. i cry till the sun greets me, telling me a new day has started and clean my face. “i’m okay”, i tell myself. i want you to care at least, but you don’t. the tears i spill are still forming in my heart, i want you to see how much you’ve hurt you, but you’ll be upset with me like you usually get when i’m upset. the smile i wear to these meets, why can’t you tell i’m tearing myself apart. half of me is telling me to straight up tell you, you don’t matter. and the other half wants me to tell you that i need you.


	8. 6th place

they call our section up. our duet. i could already tell you were expecting our placement. you didn’t want to walk beside me, but you had to anyways. they annouced JV. and, you whispered to me that we got last, and we did. i could hear you sigh from disappointment. and all i could feel was instant regret. i was being stared at. you knew that. i was nervous. i know i fucked up, but you knew i wasnt okay. you could have at least tapped me on the shoulder to make me feel okay and tell me to breathe. but all you did was just smile and laugh at my anxiety. i messed up badly, i know. 

you didn’t want to be my partner. i could tell. you could have said it was okay, and that we could improve. but, all you did was just make me feel like i was nothing. i was tearing myself apart. i cried to my mother about you. she tells me you aren’t a real friend and i’m believing her. and so is my father. he was right about you. you weren’t my real friend. 

you had to lie to me. you lied to me to possibly make me hate you. i could see you knew i was looking at you and the sophomore. you two were getting physical. now, all i think is how you and I are distant. i confronted you. i told you how i felt. and this is the response you give me. you tell me the freshman did all what she did. but, in reality, it was you. 

i do anything for you! i do things you want me to do! i leave things aside for you! i don’t finish things because i want to put you first! i don’t think about my feelings first because i put yours! and this is how you respond to me? you took me to your advantage. you knew, me and her would fight over you. you knew, that we’d get mad. you only wanted attention, and i get that. being faught over for feels great, but, not if you treat us both the same. you told her that we were mad a few days ago and now have a sleepover. put the pieces together, james. 

i know i wasn’t responding very often to your snapchats due to my shift in interests and dms. you wanted me to get minecraft, now you don’t even want to play with me. i ask and you deny. i gave up asking. i gave up asking to discord call. i gave that all up, because i knew you’d deny me. you get upset at me for the smallest things, like i did. and then you ask why my moods shift. i know i crush on people, but you knew you had a place deeply in my heart. now, all i feel is that piece that you had is now gone. i have to replace it. 

like our speech piece. i’m losing one more piece of myself. it makes me weak. it makes me feel. it feels like i’m danny. and you are the voice. 

you aren’t open with me anymore. you closed yourself off. and i will too. i will treat you like how you treat me. then you’ll understand how alone, useless, awful it feels so lose someone who promised to not leave.

i comforted you when i was at my lowest. you cried to me because you’re were afraid. you needed someone and i was there. but, remember before you called me , i was also crying. i was too, afraid. but, i put myself aside and made sure you were okay. i even let you visit me. i wanted to make sure that, you weren’t afraid anymore. i cry, i cry so much. you even told me, i was your first priority and that you were mine. what happened to that? i made you my first, but you made me your third. i want to make sure you are happy, that you are happy even tho i’m not. i’m not the most happiest person, but i want you to be. even if i’m bleeding, even if i’m broken, losing something, i’d be there for you. i’d hug you, i’d comfort you. i’ll let the blood drip on the floors, forming pools. let the clothing rip from the seems. and i’d still put you first. i’d paint you with my blood, just to feel you wrapped around my arms and make sure you weren’t crying. 

but we got 6th. and. you don’t want me near. so i throw everything away. that certificate only reminds me of how you hate me for it. i’m throwing away our only memory of us, your sweater. the thing i’ve been wanting for a while. i’ll throw it away. erasing you from my life forever. starting a new chapter in my life. forgetting you. 

i know you’ll come back. you will. you’ll realize how you made me feel. then you will understand these emotions. but right now. you have everything you’ve ever wanted. and i don’t anymore. 

james.

**Author's Note:**

> This is short, but it’s a little something I typed out while being in a dark place due to the fact, my bestfriend of 3 years has decided to part paths. It has been difficult analyzing what happened but typing my feelings out help a lot. I’ll respond to every comment, because, this poem is hard to understand, I guess. It’s sorta long, sorta short. I won’t send it to him, because he and I have stopped talking. 
> 
> i’ll make his version, and the version of the girl. this is how i depict how our relationship is going.


End file.
